Introducing the B2B Marketer’s Last Resort Marketplace

We’ve reached that special moment in our industry’s evolution where we’ve collectively given up on finding actual solutions to our problems. 

So, naturally, we’ve built a marketplace of products that won’t solve anything but will make you feel marginally better about your marketing existence.

Because sometimes the only thing separating you from a mental breakdown is a digital placebo.

What’s inside?

Faux Report Generator

Why spend weeks crafting a data-driven industry report when you can generate one in seconds? 

Our non-proprietary algorithm (ChatGPT) combines:

• Completely made-up statistics that sound plausible
• Impressive-looking charts where the numbers conveniently add up to 100%
• Quotes from “industry experts” who definitely exist

“73% of industry leaders agree that reports with fabricated percentages receive 58% more engagement than those with actual research.” — Some Analyst We Just Made Up

Persona VooDoo Doll

Finally, a way to directly influence your target audience! Each doll comes pre-configured with the standard B2B buyer anxieties:

• Fear of missing quarterly targets
• Paralysing dread of making the wrong vendor choice
• Hesitation about requesting budget approval
• Existential crisis about their career path

Simply poke the appropriate pressure point before sending your email campaign, and watch your open rates soar to… well, still disappointing levels, but slightly less so.

Rate Your Email Subject Lines

Because nothing says “professional growth” like being judged by an algorithm. This sophisticated tool:

• Assigns arbitrary scores to your subject lines
• Provides vague feedback like “needs more urgency” or “too urgent”
• Secretly rates them all the same regardless of what you write

Watch as your team spends hours debating whether “Quick question about your strategy” beats “You won’t believe these industry insights.”

Mystery Bad of Leads

Experience the blind rage salespeople feel when marketers send over the latest hot leads from last quarter’s big campaign with the ultimate lead generation tool. This mysterious box promises a random assortment of contacts and leads.

Could be good, could be a blank spreadsheet. Find out.

Rose-Tinted Browsing Extension

The essential browser extension for marketers who’ve given up on reality. Transform any depressing analytics dashboard into a pink-hued wonderland by adding a soft rose-tint overlay and sparkle cursor to any website.

Because if you’re going to ignore conversion metrics, you might as well do it in style.

A final word of wisdom

Remember, the key to B2B marketing success isn’t actually solving problems — it’s creating increasingly elaborate ways to pretend the problems don’t exist.

Thanks for reading. Your mom will be so proud.